I have been avoiding writing this week; not only here on the blog but also all of my essays and responses. I have done some journal writing but I think that hardly counts as it amounts to my feeling guilty for not posting and guilty for not finishing essays – and then the continual pressure of knowing that I need to finish those essays in order to graduate, in order to move forward, just sort of paralyzes me – so I stop all forms of writing because if I’m doing one, I should be doing the other instead. Today I’m attempting to break the cycle. I’m posting here and then I will be off to work on some school writing. I’ve been feeling anxious and extremely broken lately. About a week ago now I could feel the weight of responsibilities and possibilities pushing back on my drive to be productive. 6 weeks left to the end of school – our lease is up at the end of May – job opportunities, ideas about schooling kids – and still the day to day need to do laundry and dishes and vacuum – throw into this mix the need to write 2 essays next week, and study for one midterm – and the washing machine is broken.
And why is all of this normal life stuff harder than normal? I think I’m at the point in the year again where I question my ability to actually do ANYTHING well – I question my sanity, I question my selfishness, and I attempt to process all of the big questions in life while still sifting through the little things and that translates into my feeling incapable of doing even the day to day things. Usually when this happens I bake bread, or cookies, or go running and then pull myself together and start checking things off the list – but I haven’t had any time to do these things and when I make time, I feel like I’m avoiding the other pressing things, which I am, even while I know it’s necessary to me being a kind person.
My husband calls this state of being “pregnant with possibilities” which is such a positive way to describe the way I feel. I feel like I’m suffocating – my every attempt to make decisions or even just move on to the next step of any process is thwarted by my own nagging “what ifs” and so I whither slowly, curling up into myself and pushing out all of the good things that are happening. Constantly feeling unable to respond to trivial daily occurrences in ways that are normal and expected. Instead I just feel the need to sit and cry and feel sorry for myself and that just makes me feel like I’m the most selfish being alive – and the cycle continues.
Hold tight friends, don’t call in the alarms -I promise I’m fine. This process of writing includes real thoughts and real life, and it also includes my verbal processing tendencies in written form. This all began a week ago and already I can feel the fog begin to lift – it’s the only reason I can actually sit down this morning and finish this post and then look forward into the day and see clearly the path to finishing the assignments that I’ve let weigh on me without acknowledgement. So I turn to being thankful and noticing the beautiful and small things to help me face the struggle of the big things. Today is a beautiful day – the sun is shining, the garden beginning to grow. There is music in my house – guitars being played, songs sung, notes being picked out on the piano. Girls are upstairs pretending to be star gymnasts. The chickens are shaking off the feathers that have caked with mud in the last week of rain, and they’re chattering to one another in their loud and endearing way. A new day and a new leaf. more possibilities, less suffocating – though the procrastination I’m just accepting as my own way to completion.
Happy 5th week of Lent
– Struggling and striving, broken and beautiful, and Waiting.