It’s somehow attached to the bite in the cold air of Autumn as the leaves in Davis make their halfhearted attempts at mimicking fall and our busy schedules seem even crazier as the daylight dwindles and the dark seems to close in so quickly every evening and hold on tight to the dawn as we wrap ourselves tighter in our heavy blankets and try and close our eyes to the impending responsibilities of each day. It’s attached to the fast approaching holiday season that never comes at a time when I can enjoy it’s every moment (but then perhaps I’m not meant to). What is it? It’s my mindset that the world is closing in and that my cup runneth over, but not in an optimistic, enjoying every moment way – and surely not in the biblical way It imitates; this cup I hold is full and all that’s left is for it to spill all over the floor and create yet another mess to fit into the dwindling daylight and instead of focusing on the fullness of the cup, I focus on the mess and that’s where my cynicism and pessimism begin to take hold and I’m constantly gasping for breath as I drown in the dailiness of life.
Is this what Seasonal Depression looks like? Is it the helpless feeling and the doomed-to fail feeling that comes with every new calendar entry? Recognizing this seasonal at least annual mind-set never does seem to change my thoughts about it, instead it only to make them even worse as I feel like there’s a problem with me that I don’t think is fixable. Important note: this is not a cry for help, this is not a need to discuss, this is me publishing words that help me process – please take this as my “verbal” processing of the morning when the only people who would listen to me are girls who are happily dancing along to the high-pitched sounds of The Chipmunks piped through Pandora at full volume.
Know what’s really funny about all this? As I write things I’m actually thinking about , I believe that this post will turn into an essay which is due in one of my composition classes this week – figures. It’s what school does to me – it makes me see essays in even the funniest comments people make and it makes me start attempting to write everything in heroic couplets and believe that they’re brilliant and that political and social satire could be so much more entertaining if it were still presented in this form. Do these thoughts lend to any sort of reprieve from the overwhelming sense of my doomed days? No, it adds to them because there is absolutely no way I can see through to a point where I’ll be able to put into practice all of the thoughts I think and the feelings I feel.
There is a homeless man who stands at the corner of the freeway exit I take to get to school. He is there every day and the red light is never long enough for me to get his name, but this week I gave him a granola bar and the knowledge of what time it was. I worry about him right now, and about all of the other people who find themselves homeless or without proper clothing or without the ability to heat their houses and again I feel helpless and I feel tired and I feel selfish. Helpless to know what will actually better their situation, tired of trying to fix everything and selfish because I complain constantly and while I recognize that there are many worse off than myself, I can’t figure out how to help in a way that would be sustainable for me and for them. bleh.
I received a lovely email yesterday from my wonderful Mom-in-love and she ended it:
“God is Good. All the time”
And I sat here with tears in my eyes because I know that’s true. I know that God is Good even when I’m sad, even when I feel the brokenness and inability to fix the world, and even when I don’t feel the goodness.
Along with those notes, I was perusing blogs this morning and came across a well written piece which encompasses many feelings I have about how the churches role in peoples lives is played and how I see how it can help and hurt all at the same time (you may not see all of those things in this one blog, but it’s there with many other things I’ve read recently). So I leave you this morning with two things:
revolving around John 13:35 -” By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”
and because I thought it was lovely and have read some of her things and I agree that Christian does not equal Conservative:
and just for good measure – I think this is a it idyllic, but still touched a cord in my heart and a wish that I could be that mother (but at this point I’m really not):